My Shameful Parenting Story….

For anyone who wants to know what shame-based parenting looks like, this picture from my old journal would do splendidly. In this “I’m Fucked up & I’m Fucking up My Kids” journal post, I review experiences with the mother of my son’s best friend from kindergarten through sixth grade. Over the course of time, as our boys grew close, we developed a friendship as well. However, our sons’ friendship took a slow turn in another direction around fourth grade. Her son was a very sensitive, sweet and creative child. My son had a rebellious streak, and liked “marching to the beat of his own drum”. Early experiences as a critically sick child, had left a lasting impact on his trajectory of physical and emotional development (more on this later).

Good Enough Parenting…

everybody seems to have an opinion that there is a “right way”.  There are those who feel stay-at-home mothers are best.  There are those who feel working mothers are best.  I’ve heard it all:  We eat out to much, we have too many electronic devices, we stay up too late, they’re too rambunctious and “free thinking”.  The list is endless.  In fact, everyone has an opinion. Despite the fact that nobody has a window into my heart and soul and understands my struggles, it still hurts when I receive this criticism.  Despite the fact that nobody knows my two boys like I do, I still question myself when people list the pragmatics of “good parenting” vs. “bad parenting”.  For all these reasons, a concept from my course textbook: “Good Enough Parenting” (Ingram, 2012, p317), is worth examining closely here.

Happy birthday piglet!!!

“JOE RON NUCKING”

On this day, ten years ago, my youngest son Talan was born.  Since he hates cake, we decided to be creative and make a donught cake instead.  I love this young man with all my heart and cringe at how fast he is sprouting up.  At over five feet tall, wearing men’s shoes, I know already he’s gonna be tall like his daddy.

He turns sixteen today!!!!

“COOL MO FUTS”

On this day, 16 years ago I gave birth to my oldest son Josiah.  I won’t bore you with a long story here of my experiences as his mother….I simply desire to create a post acknowledging the importance of this day, as well as the love & gratitude I feel for his presence in my life…

The Girl With The Cooties

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been an optimal target for bullies. In fact, as the “girl with the cooties”, bullying has always been a constant issue: from kindergarten at St. Agnes up through high school graduation. Admittedly, the bullies changed from year to year, but they all saw me the same way. I was the perfect target: I am highly sensitive and don’t fight back…For those who have never been bullied, you’d be surprised to learn that the actually bullying isn’t the worst of it. The collateral damage it sustains upon your social life is devastating. You see, when you get picked on often enough at school people start to notice and a reputation develops. Now a “loser”, you’re essentially walking around with a scarlet letter tattooed to your forehead.

The Nature of Belief Systems

Societies and cultures are a byproduct of belief systems, which provide a means of constructing the “stories we tell ourselves to define our personal sense of reality” (Usó, 2015, p. 1). In this sense, they are meaning paradigms that define the nature of our lived experience. Societies benefit because belief systems create a mutually agreed-upon reference point for all its members. When everybody complies, belief systems carry social consequences that allow it to develop a surface appearance which mirrors “objective truth”. In this respect, their existence is not dependent upon a believer, but society as a whole. It remains an integral component of our culture, woven throughout our history until we as a society begin to question it. Only then can systems of belief loosen their definitive hold upon our daily lives.

…the go-it-alone mentality

Recently, I came across an article online titled “The Psychological Cost of Being a Maverick”, Essentially, this article cites research which debunks a common American myth of individuality as the key to personal freedom and control. Since I was curious, I decided to download the research paper this article referred to (Greenway, et al, 2015). After reading it, I felt is was worthy of a blog post on two unique fronts. Firstly, in a older post I discuss the notion of personal identity as a hot-air notion…After re-reading this post, I feel there is much more to say on the subject if identity. Where are the grains of truth? What role does identity play in our lives?

Shame, invalidation, & a little baggage

So what exactly is invalidation, and why is it so important? Marsha Linehan, Phd., founder of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, defines invalidation as trivializing, punishing, judging, or ignoring a person’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and identity (Linehan, 1997). In order to understand the importance of this concept it is vital to differentiate how its definition in the field of psychology is unique. A quick review of Merriam Webster’s online dictionary yields the following definition: Invalid: “being without foundation or force in fact, truth, or law…logically inconsequent.” (invalid, n.d.)

The “Art” of Failure…

In my career counseling course, I had an assignment which required me to review my career path. While I’m glad to have finally “landed in the right direction”, finding my way to here has taken some time. I end up with a bachelors in the social sciences after making a decision on this major, midway through my third year. I graduated, with no marketable skill or career experience, and landed in a slew of dead-end clerical jobs. With marriage and kids came the need to find a job that worked around my husband’s schedule. We were financially strapped in these early years after a series of hospitalizations due to my son’s illnesses…

Stages of Change…

That Nike commercial that tells us “Just Do It!”, irks the hell out of me. While intended as an inspirational message of empowerment, it misses the mark on how to create and sustain lasting change. As I’ve come to realize (both professionally and personally) change is a process that takes time. When I reflect on my own steady progression of growth thru life, two resources seem to describe this journey well. The first is the transtheoretical stages of change model which addresses feelings of ambivalence toward change..In this post I intend to discuss the process of change from two unique standpoints. One perspective will provide a theoretical overview of the stages of change from those in the helping professions. Another perspective will be a first-hand accounting of my experiences in a past relationship. .

Shit Job

…Assigned as a “safety advocate”, my job is to prevent another fall. I gently placed her legs back in bed and straightened her sheets. She responds with a series of punches and kicks.

 “Maggie, don’t do that, I’m just trying to help.”

“Go to hell!” She screeches, while picking at her I.V.

Grabbing hold of her hands so she’s unable to pull out her lines, I remind her:  “Don’t do that or you’ll bleed.”

While covering them up with kerlix, I divert her attention to what’s playing on t.v.  A look of disgust forms on her face as she responds, “You know what, you’re a f*cking idiot….”

Collateral Damage

In the aftermath of the “it years”, my family and I have had to work hard to recover from the experience.  I was hurting, they were too.  As years past, we put the experience behind us and moved forward….

….Many years later, as a happily married woman I re-entered therapy. I was considering a return to school to switch careers.  My youngest was in 1st grade and I finally had some time to myself.  As a result of therapy, I’ve struggled with blame, resentment, shame & guilt.

accepting responsibility: shame, blame, guilt & resentment…

About three weeks ago I started the final segment of my educational journey: the internship.   In a series of three classes I have to complete a minimum of 700 hours over the course of approximately ten months. This will require a 60+ hour work week for almost a year.  I will continue to work full-time as a weekend night shift CNA in a float pool for large hospital system.  I will be adding 20+ hours of unpaid work as an intern at an inpatient treatment facility for recovering addicts.   As a wife and mother, this means I’m literally spending most of my waking hours in the service of others.

Understanding Shame…

In a previous post I review a favorite self-help author of mine, Brene Brown (link above). I first learned about her from a now-famous Ted Talk video (see link above). Through her work, I was first introduced to the concept of shame: “an intensely painful feeling that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of accepting and belonging” (Brown, 2006, p45). In this post, I’d like to continue with this train of thought & share some insights on how to recognize shame. While no real preventative cure to shame exists, if you are aware of what triggers feelings of shame, you’re empowered to grow beyond its confines. What follows are insights I’ve recorded in an old journal based on Brene Brown’s work on shame resilience….

Personal Identity – on being full of hot air…

One night after my family went to bed, I began my homework. While sifting through journal articles, the above quote jumped out at me. In light of recent affairs, it forced me to stop and think. At this point in life, I’m working hard to overcome old patterns and “get unstuck”. In addition to working on a Master’s degree, I’m trying to pay off some debt, and lose weight. As I work on accomplishing these goals, (and overcome a few old vices), I hope to maximize my efforts with a bit of radical self-responsibility. The idea that my hard work could yield another hamster-wheel experience frightens me.

Ego vs. Shadow

I found this strange table in an old journal titled “ego vs. shadow”. It described the consequences of denying certain parts of myself while presenting other parts to the world. I’m sure its a byproduct of the Jungian and Transactional Analysis stuff I’ve been reviewing. Since I thought you might find it entertaining, I’ve reproduced it here. This divisiveness of self starts out with a description of my hidden self and lived self. Keep in mind, I wouldn’t describe it as an iteration of theory but instead application of insights.

On Being Contrarian…

As a mother, therapy student, and healthcare worker, it seems the majority of my time is spent in the care of others. As a Healer INFP personality type this endeavor suits my personality for the most part. However, as time has progressed, I’ve come to the realization that I’m becoming the adaptive reaction to others’ needs. I have so little say in who I am becoming. Everybody’s “baggage” tends to pile up after a long week. When I review the endless needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires of the people I care for after a long week, an “F’d” up hall of mirrors presents itself. Within each individual’s worldview are a set of perceptual distortions and I find I become lost in the mixed. I am unseen behind what other people tend to project upon me….

/td>

Arrested Development??? (Erickson)

Erik Erikson proposed a theory of personality development that includes eight stages.  In each stage we face developmental crises in order to develop a sense of identity alongside interpersonal beliefs through interactions with significant others (Broderick & Blewitt, 2010).  According to Erikson, two potential outcomes can result depending on how we address and resolve each developmental crisis [for each stage]…