forgiveness

What forgiveness is (& isn’t)…

This week in my therapy groups, we discussed the concept of forgiveness.   As we read through the materials, many participants had stories to share.  They struggled to forgive others who wronged them. They struggled to forgive themselves for the mistakes they’ve made.   I had a profound gratitude for these individuals, in their willingness to share these struggles honestly.  In some respects, I had to admit I was really looking into the mirror upon myself.   It is for this reason, I felt the insights learned during this group session, were worth a blog post…..

…Before I get to my big “aha moment” this week, it might help if you read this post titled “….And Cancer Trumps PTSD” as well as my post “Anatomy of a Misunderstanding”….

What Forgiveness Isn’t…..

Lucky DogOver the last 2-3 years, I’ve really worked hard to put some unresolved hurt behind me that I’ve buried too long.  My desire to forgive comes from a burning desire to make room for the “good stuff” & leave the B.S. behind me.  As I’ve discovered, failing to forgive, leads to unresolved grief and resentment.  Here are a few huge Aha’s that occurred to me during this group session.  I witnessed them in client’s stories that day and found I myself looking in the mirror.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean sweeping things under the rug….

….Oftentimes, in interactions with my family, I can tend to “sweep things under the rug”.  As I’ve learned this week, overlooking doesn’t equate to forgiveness.  It simply entails covering things up with a thin veil of denial.  My problem is that my family doesn’t fully accept and/or understand the PTSD, or what it means.  They don’t realize the extent to which some experiences from my past have really traumatized me. They were physically present but mentally and emotionally MIA.  I overlook things they do and say that trigger emotional flashbacks, by either withdrawing, slapping a smile on my face, or numbing out.  This is a dis-service to nobody….

Forgiving is not psychoanalyzing yourself &/or others….

I bet if you went to the search bar on the bottom of my blog and google “sister”, you would find quite a bit of evidence of psychoanalysis.  I could literally write a ten page dissertation on why my sister don’t really get along, and be entirely correct in my analysis.  What good is this?  As far forgiveness is concerned, it really doesn’t help.  In fact, by examining and ruminating over why somebody did this bad thing, all you do is become steeped in anger and frustration.

Forgiving isn’t the same as feeling good about the person &/or situation…..

When you forgive someone you’re not endorsing the wrong, or saying its okay that they did what they did.  You’re also not saying it felt good that this bad thing happened.  It might still hurt – even excruciatingly so.  In fact, some pains are impossible to forget.  As I’ve come to realize, forgiving simply means you make healing a priority and that you take responsibility for yourself.  Nobody can heal you but yourself.

What forgiveness is….

Forgiveness requires an acknowledgment of the wrong & how it hurt you…

It is vital to acknowledge the wrong that was done to yourself even if it brings up a well of unresolved pain. Avoiding it requires a complex interwoven network of self deception and denial alongside a sprinkling of dissociative numbing.  Your life is filled with missing pieces, and clarity is forever outside your grasp.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself….

Contrary to what you think, forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person.  Instead, you make healing a priority before all others.  You take charge of growth through healing.  Doing so, challenges you to give up destructive thoughts and allows you to experience life which is not defined by old baggage.

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Collateral Damage….

In the aftermath of the “it years”, my family and I have had to work hard to recover from the experience.  I was hurting, they were too.  As years past, we put the experience behind us and moved forward….

….Many years later, as a happily married woman I re-entered therapy. I was considering a return to school to switch careers.  My youngest was in 1st grade and I finally had some time to myself.  As a result of therapy, I’ve struggled with blame, resentment, shame & guilt.  Since I just completed putting together material in this subject matter for a group therapy session, I thought I’d post briefly a pic of an old letter from my father.  It was written to us after I left for NYC.  Refusing to leave this bad relationship I felt a strange & inexplicable compulsion to follow him wherever he went.  I hated what he did, realized this was wrong but this didn’t hit matter…..

if you wish to read the backstory behind this letter, click here.

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My emotional reaction to this letter today is mixed.  I regret what happened.  I feel bad I hurt my family.  However, a bit of resentment lingers within.  When I read my fathers words I feel frustrated for how my parents weren’t available emotionally in the years leading up to this relationship.  Had they been aware of how sad, depressed & suicidal I was, maybe they could have done something.  Maybe, I wouldn’t have been so fucked in the head when meeting him years later….

The “what-it’s” are endless and forgiveness is an ongoing effort…

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The Power of Forgiveness

This post continues a train of thought from the previous post on “Second Chances” where I reflect on a series of health scares in my family.  As a healthcare worker, the idea of losing a loved one is undeniably vivid due to a job that provides a ring-side seat at death’s door…

Fortunately, everyone thus far has managed to thrive.  The lessons from these “second chances” have been largely positive.  However, the occasional growing pain is inevitable and I’ve occasionally struggled in coming to terms with things.  In the recent aftermath of my sister’s breast cancer diagnosis, I’ve floundered my way through the process of forgiveness.  In my mother’s last email to me on this subject matter, I was most struck by these comments:

…those who are outside the fence do not have the SAME PERSPECTIVE and may not fully understand the gravity of the situation. You will have to forgive us (Dorene and Me) for our shortcomings in this regard. …There are always two sides to a coin, one coin whose two sides inextricably bound so the need to co-exist…

I do wish to let go and move forward.  I do want a better relationship.  However, forgiveness is a slow and steady path like watching a pot of water boil.   I honestly struggle at times more than I like to admit.  The pain and hurt are still vivid at times.  I’ve come to the slow realization that healing and forgiveness are choices that occur from moment-to-moment  Here are a few lesson’s I’ve learned from experience…

Forgiveness Defined….

While generally regarded as a show of strength, forgiveness makes you feel emotionally vulnerable as you lower your defenses & face unresolved hurts.  It entails the release of resentment from past transgressions that are still vivdly painful, in order to move forward.  This can feel anything but empowering, especially when you consider that common synonyms of forgiveness include condoning, pardoning, and excusing.  However it is worth noting that:  “This conflation of forgiveness with condoning in such lay definitions…may be central to the controversy about [its] adaptiveness (Thompson, 2005, p. 316).”

In this post I’d like to examine the concept of forgiveness.  In no particular order, here are some random personal insights…

Forgiveness is essential for healing…

I firmly believe that that in order to make room for the “good stuff”, it is essential to let go of the “bad stuff”.  In fact, had I not let go of the traumas from my relationship with “IT”, my current relationship would not have sustained itself so successfully.   Today, I can honestly say I have forgiven “IT” for all that had transpired (read link above) and hold no ill-will.  In fact, when I reflect on this part of my life, I feel a sense of serenity & acceptance.  While I’m certainly not condoning what he did, I harbor no rsentment.  Instead, I realize these experiences were a much needed wake-up call.  This kick-in-the-pants experience became the building blocks upon which I my current relationship rests.  As a result, if given a chance to change this part of life, I don’t think I would.  I know this sounds crazy, but the video above expresses this better than I ever could.

Forgiveness is about you & not them…

FIRST AIDER 7Sometimes your emotions can really fuck with you big time.  The reality is, forgiveness requires us to do things that don’t often feel very good.   Letting go old hurts is difficult when the pain can linger like a silent-but-deadly fart.  You try to ignore it, but the stench fills your sinuses and the reaction is immediate.   Acting in contradiction to these emotive dictates is hard when faced with painful reminders of a traumatic event from your past.  All you want to do is lash out in anger.  All you want is to let them know how much you are hurting.

…From within this mindset, seeing further is hard.  However, indulging in this unabated bitterness can cause old hurts to become a fucked-up  pollutant.  In time you wonder why you’re a walking shit magnet, when in reality the answer is so close you’re blind to it.  Forgiving is essential if you want to avoid all this and allow healing to happen.  The effort is worth it, and requires a daily commitment to make healing your priority.  In this respect, forgiveness has nothing to do with”them”.  It’s about you.   You’re not letting “them” off the hook, you’re kicking bitterness to the curb in order to begin healing.

Forgiveness & the serenity prayer….

Serenity

I love the simple yet profound insight from the serenity prayer.  While often associated with the twelve-steps, it is an excellent approach to the majority of life’s problems.  What things are within our power to change? Focusing on life’s changeable components is critical to empowerment and generally entails some level of self-responsibility.   What things are not changeable?  Usually pertaining to some factor external to ourselves, radical acceptance and forgiveness are our only alternatives.  Wishing to change something that you can’t change is a crazy-making exercise in complete futility.

“Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been any different” – Oprah

Forgiveness is a Dialectical Narrative Reframing

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“Forgiveness is a dialectical process through which people synthesize their prior assumptions of a transgression into a new understanding ….this reframing process [is] the construction of a ‘new narrative’ (Thompson, et al, 2005, p. 318)”.   When viewing forgiveness in this way, the “transgression” becomes a source of growth.  A Hegelian dialectical approach can become the impetus for change as seemingly contradictory perspectives are combined into holistic understanding.  It is in this respect that my mother’s words are very enlightening.  If my sister and I exist as opposite sides of the coin, there is much we can stand to learn from one another.

When allowing unresolved hurt to assume functional control of your brain, all thoughts, feelings, actions become one-sided.  They are motivational byproducts of old hurt, and in time, they exist to support this one-sided reality.  For example, until I let go of the hurt from those “IT years” all I could see were his “wrongs”.   It wasn’t until I considered the unthinkable question: (why did you stay?)  that I could gain clarity and move forward.

Forgiveness vs. “Unforgiveness” – (Konstam, et al, 2003).

An interesting resource I found describes the consequences of forgiving and not forgiving a specific transgression or traumatic event.  Forgiveness is a daily alternative we choose for the sake of personal growth and development.  It occurs internally through conscious choice and interpersonally in our relationships with others.  In contrast, Kostam, et al (2003) describe the concept of “unforgiveness” (p. 48), as an attitude of bitterness, resentment, and hatred that can yield revenge seeking behavior over time.  I would like to conclude this post with a convenient table that compare forgiveness with “unforgiveness” (Kostam, et al, 2003)….

Forgiveness
Unforgiveness

Defined as – an intrapsychic & interpersonal healing process that allows us to move forward for the sake of personal growth.
Defined as – an unwillingness to let go of old transgressions & remain consumed by them through endless rumination.
Forgiveness brings about peace as we begin moving forward based on an enlightened perspective. 
Unforgiveness is a stressful state of stagnation that causes us to remain in a past so our mind can be consumed by unhealed traumas.
Synonyms include – Absolution, reconciliation, excuse, pardon, acquit, & exonerate
Synonyms include – Blame, punish, accuse, retribution, chastisement & vengeance.
Warm Emotions – Empathy, Love, Compassion, & Hope.
Cold Emotions – Hurt, Anger, & Bitterness, Resentment.
Problem-Focused Coping – A pragmatic approach that targets the cause of a negative event directly (i.e. people or situations).
Emotion-Focused Coping – Managing one’s reactions to a stressful/negative situation (i.e. medicating, eating, or distraction)
Produces Empathy – the ability to acknowledge someone else’s feelings as if they were your own.
Produces Selfism – “a self-orientation that leads one to view situations [in a] self-serving manner (Konstam, et al, 2003, p. 173).”

References

Konstam, V., Holmes, W., & Levine, B. (2003). Empathy, Selfism. and Coping as Elements of the Psychology of. Counseling and Values, 47, pp. 173-183.
Thompson, L. Y., Snyder, C. R., Hoffman, L., Michael, S. T., Rasmussen, H. N., Billings, L. S., … & Roberts, D. E. (2005). Dispositional Forgiveness of Self, Others, and Situations. Journal of Personality, 73(2).  pp. 313-354

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