Feeling the Incompetence
4/5/2017 @ 3:30 p.m.
I know this is the most retarded thing in the world but I’m trying to do is make the most of every available free second in my life. I’m trying to dictate a post for my blog while playing the role of taxi cab driver. I spend way too much time in this car, waiting to pick up or drop people off. I discovered this feature on my Microsoft word app that allows me to utilize the microphone function to dictate documents! Yipee! Now I can begin writing in a way that prevents me from examining. No more careful editing allowed, only random stream-of-thought dictation. Exactly what I need to institute the changes I’ve been hoping to make on this blog
My biggest frustration right now is just simply a feeling total incompetence.
How can abstract academic knowledge translate into practical action-based counseling skills? I guess the two are not one in the same. My attempts at counseling have focused on those basic rapport-building and listening skills. This morning during a session with a new client I really began to about worry how I could help the client achieve their goals. That delicate balancing act of building a rapport while attaining information during the interview, proved frustrating. I still haven’t mastered the art of taking notes in a manner that is not distracting to the client.
Later that morning, when I expressed these concerns to my internship supervisor he simply joked: “Give it About Five Years.” While I do appreciated this light-hearted response, a child-like impatience grew that yelled: “Goddamnit I don’t want to wait five years!!! I hate feeling clueless! This whole clueless head-up my-ass feeling is growing old.”
However, this complaining is getting me nowhere, right?
The insight of a fellow intern sticks in my mind right now. She’s just fine with the idea of not knowing what the hell she’s doing and is taking it one-day-at-a-time. I admire here perspective. I’m feel like I’m running off empty and trying my best to carefully balance every aspect of my life. Its like a minefield. One wrong step and all the cookies begin to crumb.e There’s no room left for error.
04/06/17 @ 8:30 a.m.
It’s now 8:30 and I just arrived at my internship site. I am sitting in the car right now, and trying to wipe the tears from my face.
I have an appointment at nine & need to pull myself together….
That post I wrote last night was big trigger, in ways I hadn’t realized. I will have to share it with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I was reading through this morning to check for typos while eating breakfast when a lump began to form in my throat. I then berated myself for even looking at this post today: “You should know better than to read this now, there’s no time for tears, you have an appointment!!!” I began to recall my husband’s concerns last evening while we were sitting on the sofa together. He was watching some car show on t.v. while I sat next to him, type on my latest blog post. Feelings of anger and sadness filled my mind as I furiously typed, and I suppose the emotions were clearly palpable from his end…..
Anyway in a desire to avoid my tendency to intellectualize, I’m simply letting the emotions flow for 5 minutes. I am crouched down in the car right now looking for a piece of old tissue paper so I can blow my frickin’ nose. As I furiously attempt to fix my makeup I begin praying to God for serenity….
04/06/17 12:00 noon
It is now lunchtime and I now have time to reflect on how my morning sessions went. I actually felt a sense of competence and that I was able to connect with my client. It actually felt good, and that we were able to connect. Despite everything that I have going on I feel that this is job is something that’s I’m meant to do. I find working with others as a healing and growth process. I’m grateful to have the experience. So I guess well I’m trying not to get cocky, I have acknowledge that there are some basic skills sufficiently in place. Mind you, there are not impressive – per se – just the sort of thing that my supervisor is always telling me to focus on
The events of this day have pointed at two clear facts. FIRSTLY, I need to improve my level of self-care & figure out a way to carve out more time for myself. SECONDLY, I need to step back & relax. I’ll get there in good time. Below, is a diagram from a textbook for the first class I took in this program. It provides an overview of all the essential basic counseling skills that I need to attend to. I will discus each below and provide links to each….
So I ended up having an embarrassing emotional breakdown that all the interns and my supervisor had to witness.
we have this regular routine we do every single day first I get my piglet who is waiting by the front of the stairs for me and give them my phone so he can text a picture of himself to his dad and tell him about this day. Right now, I’m dictating this post on my phone and watching my boy walk down the stairs. He’s wearing his favorite little pink “cupcake hat” with the red fluffy puff on top while carrying his Batman cup and Lion King Tote bag, we got from when we were able to see the play in a local theater.
