Letters from the Past: “Why couldn’t I be what they want?”

This letter is the second in a series in which I create blog posts from old letters I dug out of the hallway closet.  It was also written in the months before meeting “IT” (Click hear to read more).  It provides a perspective of the unresolved issues lay within me as deep wells of pain.  I was willing to do just about anything to avoid treading those waters.

LETTER TWO: Dated 4/25/89

Hello Everybody,

I am taking so long to write this letter that I decided to sit down and get it done.  I am in a bad mood.  Two things happened to cause it.  First of all, at supper I ate at Validine with Keri and Wanda because she asked if I was going to eat and I said yes and went with them…
I don’t know Keri that well, but I sort of sensed that she didn’t want me eating with them.
The problem is that sometimes I feel like I’m imposing.  I have sort of grown apart from them all (except Wanda).  I have heard them about four times talk about how they went to a movie or something and didn’t think to invite me along and they don’t want to be impolite so they say nothing.
I have wondered if it is like this for me, because when Keri and Wanda sat on a table, I went to join them (I was last in line they got food first), I noticed as I walked down to the table and sat that Keri started to get this look on her face that said, “Oh No!” or “Oh God, go away!”  This all makes me ill at was and makes me uncomfortable and bad like I’m imposing or should go away
I want to approach this subject or ask them in some round about way if I am not wanted.  But the problem with doing that is if I  do Wanda will get a little bugged by it.  The reason is, cause they say I’m too timid and paranoid and uncomfortable and need self-confidence.  So I just end up going when Wanda asks and feeling uncomfortable cause she seems to be the only one that wants me there.  What should I do?
Another thing that bugged me is that I also have a reputation as caring too much of others feelings and worrying too much about it….They began talking about their first impression of someone in the dorm and Keri stated she thought they were “bitches”.  She dreaded living on the floor with them and spent 30 minutes talking bout it. After a while I got sick of it and must have gotten a look on my face that showed it.
Wanda then said “Well we should keep an open mind” in a matter-of-fact way.  Then Keri said in a sarcastic way some more stuff, sort of repeating how I feel about people talking this way about others.  I don’t remember what she said, but it sounded like I was being parodied and it made me feel like I was being made fun of.  It pissed me off.
Another thing is that, I have been told a lot that I don’t speak up and that I need to change. T his all has to do with everything that I’ve talked bout so far.
I want so bad to have my life in order and to have a perfect social life.  I feel as if I should act like someone else, what they want.  What happened today made me feel like I am not really worth it as a person and that makes me what I am isn’t right or good and they are.
I thought growing up that I don’t have to be like them.  I am a good person and those who are down on me are insensitive and ned to change (get a heart).  How this has me starting to think that I’m bad and they re all good.  I need to be more insensitive like them and have to talk and face in the sense that I can’t be me, because it is obvious that I can’t survive in society being me.  I hate things being like this, so I guess I’ll have to just start being fake and acting like they want.
Foregt myself and be what it is that society wants.  Let me be their puppet.
Why couldn’t I be what they want?  Why’d do I have to be like this and how come I’m not a person who doesn’t have any truly good qualities that people respect and like?
I guess this’ll be all for now, it’s 10:30 and I have class at 9:00 in the morning

Write me soon…

Bye for now

This letter was written later in this same year.  In fact, the year was coming to a close. I was very sad and distressed over the fact that my first year in college wasn’t everything I had hope.  As you can see from this post, I spent hours alone in my room ruminating and crying over this fact.  The seeds of my own twisted self-deception, planted long ago as a bullied and lonely child, were now near full bloom.   As I stated in a previous post.

 Sometimes the truth can truly hurt and facing it can appear an overwhelming and impossible task…

The hurt you hope to avoid and not experience and overwhelm your thinking, anything that remotely resembles a prior trauma is like a hotbed of potential pain.  Your mind goes into fight-or-flight mode, and seeks out evidence or indication that we’re “going there” into the trauma zone.  For me this trauma zone was the idea of being ostracized and bullied like when I was a kid.  I couldn’t see beyond the unresolved hurt that simply overwhelmed my mind, heart, and soul.  As I noted in the twisted self-deception post (see link above), the formation of bullshit thinking occurs in the following set of steps:

STEP #1 TO CREATING BULLSHIT :  We believe something blindly based on raw emotions without filtering through the evidence of experience.

In my previous post I include a letter I wrote earlier in my college year.  This letter concluded with the following statement:  “I have finally found out there IS something wrong with me and that is why I never belong.  I’m sort of like a social plague.  Why do I have to be me.  it is so hard to be a person with so many personality and character flaws that are annoying other people.”  Then in the second letter I posted above, I state the following: “Why’d do I have to be like this and how come I’m not a person who doesn’t have any truly good qualities that people respect and like?”

STEP #2 TO CREATING BULLSHIT:  We act on belief blindly in a knee-jerk reaction based on a well of hurt and trauma that our brain’s logic system is short-circuited…

  1. I couldn’t take criticism: “I know it is just constructive criticism but it hurts”.  When you read further on this post, it is clear that I am overly sensitive and take this constructive criticism as rejection…
  2. I was very insecure:  In the above letter I state the following:  “they say I’m too timid and paranoid and uncomfortable and need self-confidence.”  As a result I’m constantly misconstruing the actions and/or words of others. For example, if they don’t invite me, I feel like crap: “I feel bad because they never come to my room to visit me and the only time I do anything with them is when I ask if I can tag along.” Additionally, (as I note the above letter) when they do invite me I still feel like crap: “I went to join them (I was last in line they got food first), I noticed as I walked down to the table and sat that Keri started to get this look on her face that said, “Oh No!”
  3. I Isolate Myself & Don’t Join Their Activities Unless Invited:  For example, in the above letter I state:  “the problem is that sometimes I feel like I’m imposing” and in the previous letter I state: “they never come to my room to visit me”

STEP #3 TO CREATING BULLSHIT:  Life reflects these beliefs

I create life experiences based on unresolved bullshit.  As a result, the experiences reflect the bullshit.  For example in the above letter I state: “What happened today made me feel like I am not really worth it as a person and that makes me what I am isn’t right or good and they are.”  In reality, it was my perception of events the created the experiences, not just the experience itself.  It would be interesting if I could go back in time with my clear headed adult mind and re-experience this event.  How different would it look like. This leads me to the final step in bullshit creation:  

FINAL STEP:  We use experiences as evidences of beliefs

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Letters From My Past: “I’m sort of like a social plague. Why do I have to be me?”

I was digging in the hallway closet and ran across a couple of old letters.  They were written in the months before meeting “IT” (Click hear to read more).  As I reflect on them today, I feel it helps provide a snippet of what unresolved issues lay within me as deep wells of pain.  I was willing to do just about anything to avoid treading those waters.

LETTER ONE:  Tuesday 11/29/88.

(((I am a freshman in college & writing a letter to my 12-year-old sister. I have no friends & only her to confide in.  Despite the gap in our age, we saw eye-to-eye.  While she had many social outlets, I was ostracized.  Middle & high school were years social isolation.   My development stagnated a bit.)))

Dear Dorene,

Hello, I am in my room right now and it looks really neat, now that I have all this stuff on the walls. I just found out that my roommate is trying to get a room with Tammy Terryberry who lives in 915. I’ll be glad to see my roommate go, but I’m going to have to find a new one now.
There is something that’s been bothering me a whole lot, but I can’t tell anyone, cause I don’t think there isn’t anyone that would understand.
I have one goal that I have set for myself, and I hope that I reach it, and I have been wishing and wishing about it for as long as I can remember.  What I have always wanted was just one good friend:  Someone that is my age who makes me feel as good and as confident as I feel when I’m around all of you.  I want one really special person in my life that understands me and likes me for who I am and accepts all of it, the good and the bad.  I also want a person who would always be there fore me when I need someone.
I am having problems looking for friends, though.  I just want 1 good friend and maybe about 2-6 additional ones I can hang around with and I would be just fine and feel happy and content.
My problem is, that I feel as if all the people on my floor don’t like me as much as I like them and like each other more.  I feel bad because they never come to my room to visit me and the only time I do anything with them is when I ask if I can tag along.  They never visit me and ask me to go anywhere has as much as they ask each other.  I don’t feel like I belong.
I always thought I was a nice and likable person once I open up to people and let them see what’s inside.  But it seems now as if that’s wrong.  I used to not let the fact that I didn’t belong, (when I was in high school) bother me because I thought that they just didn’t know me and so it didn’t matter what they thought cause it wasn’t true anyway cause they never really knew me.  But I’ve discovered that I’m wrong cause I’ve let them know who I am and I still have sort of the same problem.
They don’t totally accept me because there are things about me that really bug them. I”m too inquisitive, too quiet, too weird, too shy, or unconfident, bull-headed, or this or that.
I know it is just constructive criticism but it hurts because it has gotten me to realize that when I socialize with people I have to just act, not like myself but the way they want me to, jus so they accept me.  I THINK THAT IS BULL SHIT.  I don’t want to have to act a certain way that pleases them.  I want to be me and just do what comes naturally and what suits me.
But it seems as if it isn’t just that they don’t know me and it doesn’t matter what they think or that they don’t accept me.  Because they do know me.  It hurts.
I have finally found out there IS something wrong with me and that is why I never belong.  I’m sort of like a social plague.  Why do I have to be me.  it is so hard to be a person with so many personality and character flaws that are annoying other people.

I feel like I have to change overnight and go out of my way to act like the person they say I should act like.  I am also jealous of all of them for not being me.
It’s ten minutes to 2:00.  I have class at 2:00 and have to go now, but I’ll write again soon.

Your Sister Kathleen,

P.S. Write Me Back Soon.

Wow!!! Does this letter bring me back to the “good old days”…

This letter was written just months after I left my hometown.  I was grateful to have this experience behind ad looking forward to a “new beginning”.  The problem was my high school, the classmates who loathed me, and the bullies that made my life hell.  So in keeping with my new blog goal to do less telling and more showing, how can I contrast the “clinical and academic perspective” polluted throughout this blog with a life story? My thought has been to use what I’ve written as inspiration for future posts.

Listed below are random quotes from previous posts that are useful in putting this letter into a useful perspective.

In a post titled “Twisted Self Deception” I discuss how bullshit ideas develop…

The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy defines self-deception as: “the acquisition and maintenance of a belief (or, at least, the avowal of that belief) in the face of strong evidence to the contrary motivated by desires or emotions favoring the acquisition and retention of that belief, (Self-Deception, 2006).”  An article I on “Twisted Self-Deception defines it as “instances [in which]…people deceive themselves into believing things they do not want to be true” (Mele, 1999, p. 117)….

….When you look at it logically, why would a person lie to themselves into believing a thing they do not want to be true?

“…I have finally found out there IS something wrong with me and that is why I never belong. I’m sort of like a social plague. Why do I have to be me. it is so hard to be a person with so many personality and character flaws that are annoying other people…”

In the above letter, I somehow end up believing something I do not want to be true.  At first glance, this would make no sense.  However, I enter college with a slanted perspective based on past experience.  Why would I believe something I don’t want to be true?   I became what they thought I was and got what they believed was possible…  Here are the critical steps, in the formation of bullshit thinking…

We believe something…

We act on belief…

Life reflects these beliefs

We forget that beliefs define experiences…

We use experiences as evidences of beliefs

In a post titled “An Emotional ‘Hot Potato'” I note that we lie to ourselves to avoid things that hurt to much…

The purpose of self-deception is so we can live in our own preferred version of reality.  This version of reality supports our preferred system of beliefs.   It also edits out those things we do not wish to understand & hate to accept.  It is like an emotional “hot potato”.  We would prefer to willfully deny this fact through an array of cognitive mental gymnastics, than accept reality as it exists.

Sometimes the truth can truly hurt & facing it can appear an overwhelming & impossible task…

Finally, in a post titled “PART TWO: Understanding ‘Unseen Things'” I describe bullshit as an infectious contagion…

Bullshit is infectious & needs to be treated as a dangerous contagious….When you examine these unseen things closely you find that self-deception can become shared.  Others’ bullshit ideas, when unexamined, can become our bullshit ideas.  Bullshit is infectious and needs to be treated as a dangerous contagion.  What do I mean by this?  Here’s my personal theory on how we inherit the bullshit of those around us and consume it blindly….

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Showing versus Telling – A New Goal…

Within me lurks a huge well of untapped creative energy the presence of which creates an unresolved frustration in response to the current state of affairs in life.  I feel full to the brim with ideas that tickle my brain.  I want to follow the idea until a creative endeavor is realized that I can share with others.

However, my life is an obstacle course and I’m trying to run through it while holding onto a full cup of coffee.  In this coffee cup are the thoughts, feelings, perceptions, & ideas that fuel an my creative energy.  I wish to do something with this inspired idea that can adequately captures its essence. However, I’m running an obstacle course of school, internship, and mom-related activities & I have no time to devote any time to it.  I try to hold onto this coffee cup full to the brim of ideas, but a good majority of it spills onto the floor.  I could be at work crying inside over the forgotten idea/thought/inspiration because I had to wipe somebody’s fucking ASS for the 20 millionth time.  Or I could be at home, wiping cat shit off the floor because it is old and can’t make it to the litter box anymore.   Or I could be trying to make my way through mounds of paperwork after seeing clients all day.  My mind is seething with a mix of emotions that bubble just below the surface.   I wonder when there will be time for me & why the needs of all others.  However, when these thoughts press to the forefront of my mind, I’m usually not in a situation that allows me to express my thoughts openly.  I may be taking care of patients at work, I could be struggling to manage my nerves while running a group therapy meeting, or I could be simply rushing to pick my kids up from whatever after school activities they have.  So I continue and try to muscle through.  After all, I graduate in June & then I simply need to find a job (good luck, right?!?).

And then there’s the issue of my tendency to use “being busy”, caring for others and/or intellectualization as convenient coping tools.

They allow me to push my feelings to the edge of awareness, just out of my reach.   This new insight into has caused me to stop and think a bit.  How can I change my lifestyle and habits to promote greater over well-being?  I’m a big believer that small changes can make a big impact.  Last year, I stopped using a planner to keep track of daily tasks and to-do’s.  All this did is stress me out.  We’ve since moved on to a family calendar in the kitchen and everybody is responsibility for their own schedule….

…and I have moved on to this cool happy planner that allows me to record the incidental events in my life as a family memoir.  So now, I’m spending my time full of gratitude for my wonderful family life, and less time worrying about getting things done.  What changes can I make in this blog so that experiences in my life – today and yesterday – can be recorded, shared, and experienced with my eyes wide open???

Never in my life have I allowed myself to indulge in this inner creative drive.  I was always told its not practical.  Regarding matters of education and career pursuits, I was directed away from passion and towards pragmatism.  I suppose this is why I’m now working as a C.N.A. & struggling to complete a masters degree.  Its certainly practical & it fits my innate temperament as an INFP.  However, it doesn’t fulfill my creative drive.  I desperately long for a creative outlet….

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Is there a cure for Intellectualizing??? How do you stop???

Okay so I’m in the car right now dictating my post in a random stream-of-thought fashion….

I downloaded a dragon dictation app to my phone.  I’m trying to switch things up a bit & work my way out of “academia mode”.  I’m bored as FUCK of these research paper styled blogs.  Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely shake my nerd-girl ways.  I’ve always interested the study of human nature and my blog will always reflect this.  However, I feel like I’m falling into a rut.

I have a desire to show and not tell.

  1. The problem with academic writing, (other than the passive third person style), is the fact that you’re being objective and analytical.   It allows you to adopt a  mindset that is conducive to seeing things as they are from a scientific lens.
  2. I’m interested in learning the basics of creative writing.  To hell with rules.  I want to tell a story, express my thoughts, beliefs, or feelings, and describe my own life experiences.

If I’m being honest, my writing style doesn’t just reflect the fact that I’m in Graduate School.  I have a tendency to intellectualize.  This defense mechanism is effective in distancing me from problematic emotions that I’m trying to avoid.  In this post, I’m going to mix things up a bit.  What follows are a few random segments of things I’ve recorded on my Dragon Dictation App….

I had a really crappy shift last night!!!!

“Here’s the thing:  Between work, school and family life, I find I’m in over my head.  The littlest things have been driving me batshit crazy.  I have absolutely no patience whatsoever & am turning into a horrid cunt rag….

I was on a floor that was very understaffed. There were 7-8 patients to a nurse on a med-surg floor. Everyone’s in a bad mood & I hit the ground running.

Unable to get a report, I hit the ground running.  I find myself entering “Git-Er-Done Mode” & run around like a chicken with my head cut off.  I focus on the task before me, complete vitals, clean up the rooms, pick up the linen bags and answer all call lights.   Inevitably, I run into that one person who manages to drive me absolutely insane.  As my patience is tested, I bite my tongue and plaster a fake smile on my face.

As much as this troubles me, I have to be honest I’m at my wits end.  I can do no better….
There are only so many hours a person can spend taking care of others…

For example, there’s this guy on the floor who had a hip replacement that got infected.  He has a weak bladder as a result of his “prostate issues”.

As the only tech on the floor with over 20 patiences, I find myself spending the majority of my time in his room.  While I don’t want to ignore my other patients, I’m told he is a fall risk.  I end up going into his room about every hour or so, so he can stand up to pee.  Additionally, he can’t pee in bed so we must endure the process of getting him in and out of bed takes about 20 minutes.  He is in a lot of pain, and is not steady on his feet.  I hold him up as he uses the urinal to pee.  He only produces about a few tablespoons at a time.  By the end of the night his patience has grown thin and becomes angry that I am not moving fast enough.  I want to cry because he doesn’t realize how many other patients I have to care for.  However, I say nothing and do my job as expected…

I become disgusted with his impatience…
I want to tell him what I think about his inability to show me respect & gratitude.
However, I somehow can’t find the words to say how I feel to someone who isn’t willing to listen.
I ask him if there is anything else he needs on my way out the door in the most polite voice I can muster….

The idea of having to deny my feelings to myself is triggery in ways I can’t quite explain.

The frustration can overwhelm me so I numb myself into a zombie-like emotional stupor to get through the night.

And then there’s the issue of lazy staff & being shit on as a float-pool night shift tech…

As the float-pool tech I’m usually assigned the toughest clients on the toughest floors.  Additionally, since I work the night-shift, I’m often on the floor to myself.   This is maddening, primarily because I’m not able to ask for fair treatment.  You know the whole “nurses eat their young” bullshit.

A convenient example of this bully-behavior occurs when lazy nurse play on their phone while gossiping and their eating dinner at the nurses station.  They can’t be bothered to get off their sorry asses to answer a frickin call light . I’m in no position to voice my opinion as a float pool tech I have nobody in my corner.  If I do, I only do so in the most polite and professional voice possible.  Either way, I have to muscle my way through the evening, and try my best to forget about this infuriating behavior on my way home.

After full work-weekend like this (Friday – Sunday from 7p – 7a) I drive home in a overtired stupor.

I crank the music on loud and slap my cheeks on the way home in an effort to stay awake  By the time I get home, everybody is gone.  Kelly is driving to work and the kids are starting their day at school.   Monday’s like this are my only day off.  I spend most of this time napping and cleaning.  The house is usually a mess:  the trash needs to be taken out and there are piles of dish and laundry to clean.  I grit my teeth and get down to business.  My goal is to finish cleaning the house before 10 so I can fit in 4-5 hours of nap-time.

Once I arrive home with the kids shift two starts   I feed them an early meal, help with homework, and play the role of taxi cab driver.  Once my husband is home, I focus on completing some last minute paperwork for an a.m. meeting with my internship supervisor.  I then work from Tuesday – Thursday 8-3 at a homeless shelter providing individual and group therapy….

and then before I know it Friday has arrived & the cycle continues….

I just visited my psychiatrist & am beginning to realize how traumatizing this invalidation has been….

I can’t help but notice how much of what we become is a byproduct of others’ demands.  I’m  an adaptive reaction to the demands placed upon his by significant others and society in general.   I still grieve over the idea that validation is something I may never receive with regards to some critical traumas in my childhood.

The lingering question which remains is: “Was it real or just in my head?”

I know: that sounds like a stupid question.  However, as I reflect on my childhood experiences, what pains me is that I can’t point at a single person who ever looked at me and saw me hurting. I was struggling and in a lot of pain, yet never heard anyone say:

“I see your sad, let me give you a hug, it’ll be okay.”
“What happened was bad, I’m sorry to hear about it”.
To this day, nobody in my family is willing to acknowledge the hurt I endured.  At school, classmates blamed me and teachers pretended not to notice.  “It” fucked me up further by using this baggage against me.   Consequently, the process of healing has been very lonely since nobody can fully understand and support me in my own trauma recovery.  I am left with a loss of something profound that has left me grieving.  And since there’s no remedy for the loss, I must accept it fully as a reality of my life.  Despite my mind’s inner protestations.

I’ve struggle to play catch-up for lost time but find that doing so isn’t fully realistic.

There are critical years in which I failed to progress developmentally as others did.  There are these letters that I dug up in the hallway closet to my sister.  I’m a freshman in college and complaining about the other residents on the dorm floor I resided on.   They were filled with an insecurity, hatred and frustration that pertained to something I didn’t want to see you didn’t want to acknowledge about the state of affairs in my life.

I was an ostracized kid who had no friends from the age of 11 on.

I was a bullied child who experienced chronic rejection.  

This left me with many critical years of lost socialization opportunities.  

Fitting would prove to be difficult if not impossible.

The painful reality: I was different.

College proved to be a continuation of events in high school.  The state of affairs I tried so desperately to run away from in high school were repeated in college.  I really was different & hated to admit it.  Fitting in wasn’t really in the cards for me.  My life experiences were so divergent from theirs since we were just on very different pages.  There’s nothing I could have done to catch up and I was stupid to think this was possible.  I didn’t want to see this since it was tied up with so much unresolved hurt.

 I guess this is why I continue to struggle in making friendships….

I have created two opportunities to forge a friendship.  On Wednesday I’m getting together with a fellow intern at Panera.  On Thursday, several ladies from work are getting together.  I’m uncertain how things will progress & frankly nervous about going, but will give it a swing.

If for no other reason than to address my insecurities head-on…

Tuesday, March 28, 2017….

Its 7:45 at night about two weeks after I originally posted this.  The hamster wheel of responsibilities has continued unabated.  I still work Friday – Sunday 7p – 7a.  I still spend Tuesday – Thursday 8a – 3p at my internship site.  I often bring home stacks of paper work from my internship and if I’m lucky I get a few hours of family time.  Monday is my only day off and I use it to nap since I’m exhausted…

…Anyway, during my therapy session last week, a crazy, serendipitous, ironic, and strange coincidence occurred!!!

This therapy session happened last Friday morning & its just now that I find myself processing the things we had discussed that day.  After I provided a few updates & reflected the impact of recent events, he brought up the issue of intellectualization.  He “called me out” in his calm, still, nonjudgmental manner. informing me that I tend to do it often.

I recall discussing how various trauma triggers throughout my week brought up painful memories.  I shared how I felt like a well within me that inner well of frustration, I was running on empty.  As he sat there in his calm and empathetic manner, I felt compelled to do the same.  A feel hurt lingered underneath causing tears to well within my eyes and a lump form in my throat.  I sat there dumbfounded for what seemed like an eternity.  Where the heck had this come from? Honestly, I didn’t know this well of emotions was there.  How was it, that I was able to not feel my feelings and conceal them so effectively from my own awareness?  How numbed was I to the reality within me?   However, rather than sit with this question in stillness, I fell back to that standby coping mechanism: “intellectualization”.  In an effort to move forward towards understanding, I said to myself:

“For heaven’s sake get a hold of yourself!!!”

I admitted to him honestly, my shock & befuddlement.  I asked him, “what is it you’re tapping into and how did you know it was there?”  He replied that it is a common reaction to prolonged trauma.  My mind floated naturally to the overly researched and clinical examination of my own past (read this blog).   I described the ready-made explanation for the how and why of my life.  He smiled back at me as I talked without interruption and I knew I was doing it again…

“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.” (van der Kolk, 2015, p.97)” 

So this experience was an answer to my prayers from the man upstairs…

You see, I’m just months away from completing my education.  I will be done shortly & it couldn’t come soon enough.  School will be a thing of my past & I won’t have to spend all my spare time studying, reading, or writing papers.  So what can I do with my spare time?  I will be using my degree to start a new career & plan to look for a new job.  However, the question of “what now” still arises.

I want to continue moving forward.  This education has been a useful vehicle to propel me forward in this respect.  I need to focus on the next phase of my journey.  I realize now it should include the psychological and spiritual healing I’ve put off for so long.

For the longest time, I’ve planned to continue my education and pursue a Phd. There’s part of me that likes the idea of “Going All The Way” in order to prove myself.   However, this ego-based drive is probably not healthy (if I’m being honest).  Like Dorothy and the ruby slippers, I don’t need to go any further than within myself to realize my value.  Seeing validation from others in this way, can only perpetuate the same flavor of bullshit that has infected just about every area of my life.   This academic pursuit will only enable me to keep perpetuating the erroneous myth that intellectual understanding can equate to healing.

The intellectualizing really has to stop.  I need to do move forward into uncharted territory.  The path before me is filled with a strange mixture of fear, excitement, & happiness.

So this inner creative person, is lurking within who is repressed, annoyed and frustrated.  She wants to express herself freely, through whatever means that tickles her fancy.  I simply hope to express myself freely and see where things lead.  I wish to use these ideas floating inside my brain and transform them into something tangible that can exist in the world “out there”….

However, there is one critical caveat.

The motivating factor underlying this path should be to continue my spiritual journey of personal healing and growth.  I need to develop a relationship with the man upstairs.  I need to find avenues that can allow me to reconnect my “numbed out” mind with my body… I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see what happens…


Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.

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