Within me lurks a huge well of untapped creative energy the presence of which creates an unresolved frustration in response to the current state of affairs in life. I feel full to the brim with ideas that tickle my brain. I want to follow the idea until a creative endeavor is realized that I can share with others.
However, my life is an obstacle course and I’m trying to run through it while holding onto a full cup of coffee. In this coffee cup are the thoughts, feelings, perceptions, & ideas that fuel an my creative energy. I wish to do something with this inspired idea that can adequately captures its essence. However, I’m running an obstacle course of school, internship, and mom-related activities & I have no time to devote any time to it. I try to hold onto this coffee cup full to the brim of ideas, but a good majority of it spills onto the floor. I could be at work crying inside over the forgotten idea/thought/inspiration because I had to wipe somebody’s fucking ASS for the 20 millionth time. Or I could be at home, wiping cat shit off the floor because it is old and can’t make it to the litter box anymore. Or I could be trying to make my way through mounds of paperwork after seeing clients all day. My mind is seething with a mix of emotions that bubble just below the surface. I wonder when there will be time for me & why the needs of all others. However, when these thoughts press to the forefront of my mind, I’m usually not in a situation that allows me to express my thoughts openly. I may be taking care of patients at work, I could be struggling to manage my nerves while running a group therapy meeting, or I could be simply rushing to pick my kids up from whatever after school activities they have. So I continue and try to muscle through. After all, I graduate in June & then I simply need to find a job (good luck, right?!?).
And then there’s the issue of my tendency to use “being busy”, caring for others and/or intellectualization as convenient coping tools.
They allow me to push my feelings to the edge of awareness, just out of my reach. This new insight into has caused me to stop and think a bit. How can I change my lifestyle and habits to promote greater over well-being? I’m a big believer that small changes can make a big impact. Last year, I stopped using a planner to keep track of daily tasks and to-do’s. All this did is stress me out. We’ve since moved on to a family calendar in the kitchen and everybody is responsibility for their own schedule….
…and I have moved on to this cool happy planner that allows me to record the incidental events in my life as a family memoir. So now, I’m spending my time full of gratitude for my wonderful family life, and less time worrying about getting things done. What changes can I make in this blog so that experiences in my life – today and yesterday – can be recorded, shared, and experienced with my eyes wide open???
Never in my life have I allowed myself to indulge in this inner creative drive. I was always told its not practical. Regarding matters of education and career pursuits, I was directed away from passion and towards pragmatism. I suppose this is why I’m now working as a C.N.A. & struggling to complete a masters degree. Its certainly practical & it fits my innate temperament as an INFP. However, it doesn’t fulfill my creative drive. I desperately long for a creative outlet….