Letters from the Past: “Why couldn’t I be what they want?”

This letter is the second in a series in which I create blog posts from old letters I dug out of the hallway closet.  It was also written in the months before meeting “IT” (Click hear to read more).  It provides a perspective of the unresolved issues lay within me as deep wells of pain.  I was willing to do just about anything to avoid treading those waters.

LETTER TWO: Dated 4/25/89

Hello Everybody,

I am taking so long to write this letter that I decided to sit down and get it done.  I am in a bad mood.  Two things happened to cause it.  First of all, at supper I ate at Validine with Keri and Wanda because she asked if I was going to eat and I said yes and went with them…
I don’t know Keri that well, but I sort of sensed that she didn’t want me eating with them.
The problem is that sometimes I feel like I’m imposing.  I have sort of grown apart from them all (except Wanda).  I have heard them about four times talk about how they went to a movie or something and didn’t think to invite me along and they don’t want to be impolite so they say nothing.
I have wondered if it is like this for me, because when Keri and Wanda sat on a table, I went to join them (I was last in line they got food first), I noticed as I walked down to the table and sat that Keri started to get this look on her face that said, “Oh No!” or “Oh God, go away!”  This all makes me ill at was and makes me uncomfortable and bad like I’m imposing or should go away
I want to approach this subject or ask them in some round about way if I am not wanted.  But the problem with doing that is if I  do Wanda will get a little bugged by it.  The reason is, cause they say I’m too timid and paranoid and uncomfortable and need self-confidence.  So I just end up going when Wanda asks and feeling uncomfortable cause she seems to be the only one that wants me there.  What should I do?
Another thing that bugged me is that I also have a reputation as caring too much of others feelings and worrying too much about it….They began talking about their first impression of someone in the dorm and Keri stated she thought they were “bitches”.  She dreaded living on the floor with them and spent 30 minutes talking bout it. After a while I got sick of it and must have gotten a look on my face that showed it.
Wanda then said “Well we should keep an open mind” in a matter-of-fact way.  Then Keri said in a sarcastic way some more stuff, sort of repeating how I feel about people talking this way about others.  I don’t remember what she said, but it sounded like I was being parodied and it made me feel like I was being made fun of.  It pissed me off.
Another thing is that, I have been told a lot that I don’t speak up and that I need to change. T his all has to do with everything that I’ve talked bout so far.
I want so bad to have my life in order and to have a perfect social life.  I feel as if I should act like someone else, what they want.  What happened today made me feel like I am not really worth it as a person and that makes me what I am isn’t right or good and they are.
I thought growing up that I don’t have to be like them.  I am a good person and those who are down on me are insensitive and ned to change (get a heart).  How this has me starting to think that I’m bad and they re all good.  I need to be more insensitive like them and have to talk and face in the sense that I can’t be me, because it is obvious that I can’t survive in society being me.  I hate things being like this, so I guess I’ll have to just start being fake and acting like they want.
Foregt myself and be what it is that society wants.  Let me be their puppet.
Why couldn’t I be what they want?  Why’d do I have to be like this and how come I’m not a person who doesn’t have any truly good qualities that people respect and like?
I guess this’ll be all for now, it’s 10:30 and I have class at 9:00 in the morning

Write me soon…

Bye for now

This letter was written later in this same year.  In fact, the year was coming to a close. I was very sad and distressed over the fact that my first year in college wasn’t everything I had hope.  As you can see from this post, I spent hours alone in my room ruminating and crying over this fact.  The seeds of my own twisted self-deception, planted long ago as a bullied and lonely child, were now near full bloom.   As I stated in a previous post.

 Sometimes the truth can truly hurt and facing it can appear an overwhelming and impossible task…

The hurt you hope to avoid and not experience and overwhelm your thinking, anything that remotely resembles a prior trauma is like a hotbed of potential pain.  Your mind goes into fight-or-flight mode, and seeks out evidence or indication that we’re “going there” into the trauma zone.  For me this trauma zone was the idea of being ostracized and bullied like when I was a kid.  I couldn’t see beyond the unresolved hurt that simply overwhelmed my mind, heart, and soul.  As I noted in the twisted self-deception post (see link above), the formation of bullshit thinking occurs in the following set of steps:

STEP #1 TO CREATING BULLSHIT :  We believe something blindly based on raw emotions without filtering through the evidence of experience.

In my previous post I include a letter I wrote earlier in my college year.  This letter concluded with the following statement:  “I have finally found out there IS something wrong with me and that is why I never belong.  I’m sort of like a social plague.  Why do I have to be me.  it is so hard to be a person with so many personality and character flaws that are annoying other people.”  Then in the second letter I posted above, I state the following: “Why’d do I have to be like this and how come I’m not a person who doesn’t have any truly good qualities that people respect and like?”

STEP #2 TO CREATING BULLSHIT:  We act on belief blindly in a knee-jerk reaction based on a well of hurt and trauma that our brain’s logic system is short-circuited…

  1. I couldn’t take criticism: “I know it is just constructive criticism but it hurts”.  When you read further on this post, it is clear that I am overly sensitive and take this constructive criticism as rejection…
  2. I was very insecure:  In the above letter I state the following:  “they say I’m too timid and paranoid and uncomfortable and need self-confidence.”  As a result I’m constantly misconstruing the actions and/or words of others. For example, if they don’t invite me, I feel like crap: “I feel bad because they never come to my room to visit me and the only time I do anything with them is when I ask if I can tag along.” Additionally, (as I note the above letter) when they do invite me I still feel like crap: “I went to join them (I was last in line they got food first), I noticed as I walked down to the table and sat that Keri started to get this look on her face that said, “Oh No!”
  3. I Isolate Myself & Don’t Join Their Activities Unless Invited:  For example, in the above letter I state:  “the problem is that sometimes I feel like I’m imposing” and in the previous letter I state: “they never come to my room to visit me”

STEP #3 TO CREATING BULLSHIT:  Life reflects these beliefs

I create life experiences based on unresolved bullshit.  As a result, the experiences reflect the bullshit.  For example in the above letter I state: “What happened today made me feel like I am not really worth it as a person and that makes me what I am isn’t right or good and they are.”  In reality, it was my perception of events the created the experiences, not just the experience itself.  It would be interesting if I could go back in time with my clear headed adult mind and re-experience this event.  How different would it look like. This leads me to the final step in bullshit creation:  

FINAL STEP:  We use experiences as evidences of beliefs

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