I’m so Fucking Tired!!!!
It is late Monday night and this is my first day off after a three day stretch of back-to-back 12-hour night shifts. So I came home and then crashed on the sofa until 1:00 before rushing to my second job for a meeting with a client at 2:30. Now its late in the evening and I’m attempting to make sense of what I’m reading. However, my loving husband likes to watch the television. He is a bit of a remote hog and likes to watch shows about cars. All the shows are about guys buying old cars and making them into pretty new ones. Mind you, I have no interest in cars, but my husband enjoys including me in on what is happening on the television. Every fifteen minutes or so he asks me to stop a minute and look up from what I’m doing to see what’s going on.
I listen attentively, and drop my train of thought completely so I can engage in a conversation with my husband. I don’t want to be a bad wife….
These conversations are usually brief lasting about 5-10 minutes while I watch this “Fascinating” portion of the particular episode where they reveal something. Then, once it’s over, I’m able to get back to what I’m doing. However, after this brief interruption, it is very difficult for me to remember where I was. Gathering my thoughts, and trying to remember where I was at is nearly impossible. So therefore, this attempt to study for the NCE exam is not going to go smoothly as I hoped. I have neither the time, nor ability to devote to trying to understanding the material I’m trying to study. So I get frustrated and try dividing my attention between my husband and the task at hand.
What I am not able to say
I just left work after a very crappy night. At one point during the shift I became so overwhelmed by frustration and sadness that the emotions were literally unbearable. I prayed, in that moment, that if this was supposed to be my life that God just take me home. I don’t want to do this any more. I literally can’t….
And what’s so sad is that things aren’t progressing quickly enough. It will probably be some time before I’m able to quit my second job at the rate thongs are going. I’m really looking forward to my new career, it but am aware. that it will be a while before I’m able to do so. In the meantime I will have to accept being tired during the day to the night-shift sleep disorder problem…
Why I’m not able to say it…
I don’t share any of these thoughts about my job, how stressful it is and how I can’t take it anymore. My husband is very invested in the idea “provider role” notion in the sense that I am a barometer of self-worth for him. Any time I express a feeling that is negative about money or his job, my husband becomes defensive and angry. This defensive anger is, naturally, a byproduct of hurt. The communication goes downhill and I end up consoling him and apologizing for being so mean to share my feelings.
And this is the issue. I really can’t share any of this with my husband and am dealing with it alone. I don’t feel its his fault and I am not blaming him for my crappy job or my the stressful career transition. Oftentimes what I seek is just for him to listen and be there. This isn’t something to fix, it is something we just need to work through.
“Same Shit Another Day”…
I’m a mother, I’m a therapist, and a C.N.A. All of these positions require me to care for others. At the end of a long day, I just want to sit down and not worry about anything. Maybe read a book, or blog a bit. However this isn’t working. Because my husband joins me and likes to watch t.v. again while I’m on my computer. About ever 5-10 minutes he asks me to look up from what I’m doing so he can tell me about what’s going on.
So rather than fight it, I’m going to chronicle highlights of our idiotic channel surfing t.v. watching evenings on the sofa in this stupid post….
The Feelings Remain Forever buried….
This issue growing and perpetual frustration about not being able to share my feelings really gets to me at times. It actually concerns me in light of a recent visit I had with my psychiatrist during a session last week. He is good about summarizing his observations and insights into questions for me to ponder. How is it you can be so out of touch with how you’re feeling? I go through the motions at work. Shove aside all thoughts and emotions in the moment. Nobody cares anyway. You’re there to care for them and cater to their needs, not vice versa. If my client is impatient and rude, I can’t really honestly tell him how I feel. If I am frustrated and angry that I have to work on a floor that is so short-staffed this doesn’t matter. If somebody needs to take a piss, it really doesn’t matter to them that I have over 20+ patients to care for and can’t be two places at once. So I put up and shut up. There’s a smile on my face regardless of how tired and frustrated I am….
….When my home life isn’t the respite from this sort of thing as I hope, I can become very angry and frustrated. It’s too much to take, living a life in which you spend the majority of it not sharing your feelings.
….It’s Tuesday, at 10:40 p.m. We just finished watching Rattled and my husband was repeatedly mentioning about how the guys on the show are either idiots or douches. There’s the guy who is worried about having a second baby and my husband is angry that he can’t be supportive. And then there’s the other guy who quit his job without finding a new one so he thinks this is irresponsible. Anyway, we’ve moved on that show Out-Daughtered and we’re watching them taking care of all these kids at the same time and now he’s telling me that he’s tired just watching them. There’s no way we could survive that without going crazy, he comments….
As I hear this, I continue to try my best and complete this blog post, but I realize it’s impossible. I get angry and frustrated. “Doesn’t he realize I have a licensure exam to study for??” I think to myself. However, I don’t feel its a good idea to share what I feel . After all it will hurt my husbands feelings since it might translate to him feeling like a “bad provider”. So therefore, I try not to stew inside yet the frustration grows despite my best efforts. My calm demeanor and smile slowly fade to a distracted anxious that causes my husband to task, “what’s wrong?” I tell him I’m okay and try to listen to what he’s saying, but find it impossible. I wonder if he notices that I’m not really paying attention?
It’s now later in the evening and we switch to the show Fantom works. I’m still trying to write a blog post while watching this show. For the idly curious here’s the link to the episode we were watching. However, I could be wrong because I’m only pretending to pay attention. Apparently, they’re fixing up this old mail truck and make it pretty… I really don’t give a flying fuck about cars, but however I’m trying my best to pay attention….