As I mentioned on the welcome page of this blog, it’s taken just over five years for me to get it up & running.
I honestly can’t tell you how many times I’ve attempted to start a blog, only to stop just shy of “going live”. It wasn’t until I actually decided to go back to school, that I finally gave up on the idea. I reasoned with “so much on my plate”, there just wouldn’t be any time. I shoved all my ideas and well-laid plans into a few storage bins. They remained there until late last 2015……
My goal for this blog, has simply been to finish what I start and cross something off my bucket list. I’m proud to say, I finally succeeded in producing forward motion in the direction of this goal.
I’m actually making slow and steady progress in the direction of my goal. I regularly dig through these old storage bins in the back of my hallway closet for another source of “inspiration”. While I’m grateful to not be stuck anymore, its taken me some time to understand exactly what was stopping me to begin with….
FIRSTLY, “What stopped me?”
Transactional Analysis on Stuckness…
“Transactional analysis often regards the experience of ‘ feeling stuck’ as the manifestation of an impasse or an intrapsychic conflict or interpersonal roadblock…Impasses occur each time we encounter a situation in which our current adaptations cannot make sense of or handle meaningfully…(Petriglieri, 2007, pp. 185-187).”
My therapist has nesting dolls in her office, and utilizes them to illustrate various ego states from transactional analysis. When initially considering this issue of stuckness, my therapist’s nesting dolls came to mind. Resistance from this theoretical perspective can be “explained as a battle between inner parts: one part wants to change, while the other does not…” (Ingram, 2013, p 234). According to transactional analysis, within us exist ego states that represent experiential realities from various stages in life. Within each ego state is a typical coping style or pattern of relating to those around us. As I recall, two in particular have been engaged in a perpetual lifelong battle….
My Hurt Child
The child ego state can be thought of as an inner mental recording of painful childhood experiences. When encountering triggers that remind us of these events, we’re sent back in time. Emotionally, we can re-enact these early experiences with those around us. For example, within me lives a “hurt child” who was bullied kid and had no friends. This hurt child asks, “I know I am bad; what’s wrong with me” (Ingram, 2013, p. 295). She is submissive, insecure, with no sense of self. Filled with a sense of shame, she seeks validation and acceptance from others – wherever she can get it…
My Critical Parent
The parent ego state reflects messages we receive from authority figures in our lives and standards of conduct we were taught. My own critical parent, consists of messages from my parents that emotions were bad and creativity was a waste of time. My critical parent consists of message from parents and teachers who ignored and overlooked the bullying.
My critical parent might say “you should take those pounds off. What’s wrong with you?! Your an indulgent loser (Ingram, 2013, p. 295).”
My hurt child will be filled with feelings of insecurity as a former “ugly duckling”. Shame takes over in reaction to the random characteristics that happen to define my meatsuit
Malcolm Gladwell: “Choking vs. Panic”
The insights from transactional analysis described above, are useful in developing a historical context for my history of life-long stuck-ness. Underlying this perpetual resistance was unresolved trauma, that I would later come to understand as PTSD. Still, I have more questions:
In particular, how can I be certain I won’t get re-stuck? After all, the PTSD isn’t going away, and the triggers are still there….
Today, after “clocking some hours” at my internship site, I decided to dig in those old storage bins, and do more blogging. As an INFP, I find it is a relaxing activity at the end of a long day. Serendipitiously, I happened to come across Malcom Gladwell’s titled “The Art of Failure”. In it describes the differences between choking & panic:
“If panicking is conventional failure, choking is paradoxical failure. (Gladwell, 2000)”
In order to explain what is meant by this statement, it is important to first understand the difference between explicit and implicit learning:
EXPLICIT LEARNING: commonly utilized with novices and involves the conscious utilization of intentional focus & deliberate action. For example, I don’t play golf, and if somebody teach me, I’m paying attention to the particulars of how to hold the club.
IMPLICIT LEARNING: common with experts and occurs at a subconscious level, outside one’s awareness. An unexplainable knowing guides our process, and we’re kind of “in the zone”. I do this when I play the violin. I’m not paying attention to the music, I’m not really aware of how I hold the violin or bow. My fingers somehow know what to do. My attention is instead on the music and playing what I hear and feel within me.
Choking: Thinking To Hard
Choking is a paradoxical failure that comes when we are expected to perform and our brain freezes. This happened to me whenever I had a violin recital. My teacher liked to schedule them at the local churches on Sunday. Since we lived in a small town, it was inevitable that a classmate, (or two), were present. As a bullied child, I was pretty much a social leper. Fear rushed through me, and I my mind completely froze as a panic overcame me. I tried so hard to do my best, I paid attention to my fingering, and tried focusing on the sheet music before me. It never worked, I was “overthinking things”….
Panic: Not Thinking at All
With panic the fight-or-flight system takes over and we begin acting on adrenaline and instinct. Whereas choking is about loss of instinct, panic is a reversion to instinct. When we panic, we focus only on our end goal, and can’t generally see beyond our fear. It is conventional in the sense that it is a byproduct of knowing being thoroughly educated in how to handle a situation. For example, my son went into cardiogenic shock as a child, d/t an undiagnosed heart defect. I panicked yet somehow managed to make it to the hospital – by the grace of God….
SECONDLY, How can I know it won’t happen again?
I’m finally reaching the end of my educational journey, and look forward to launching a new career. The road hasn’t been without its hitches. I wonder, from time to time, if I’m hitting stuck-ness again. Recently, I started my first internship class, and found myself teaching five group therapy classes independently. The first few weeks were quite rough and riddled. However, I’m relaxing into the role. I have to admit honestly, there isn’t anything I can look to for a guarantee I won’t get re-stuck. Only a personal commitment can do that: