I am a parental child and scapegoat

INTRODUCTION: This article is part of a series titled “In My Own Defense”

ISSUE #1: Parentification

PARENTIFICATION DEFINED: “a disturbance in the generational boundaries, such that evidence indicates a functional and/or emotional role reversal in which the office child sacrifices his or her own needs for attention, comfort, and guidance in order to accommodate and care for the logistical and emotional needs of a parent and/or sibling.” (Hooper, 2007b, p. 323)

EMOTIONAL PARENTIFICATION DEFINED:  “emotional parentification requires the child to fulfill specific emotional and/or psychological needs of a parent and is more often destructive for child development than instrumental parentification (Hooper, 2007a). For example, the emotionally parentified child may be expected to gauge and respond to the emotional needs of the parent, serve as confidante and an unwavering source of support, and provide crisis intervention during times of psychological distress (Aldridge, 2006; Hooper, 2007b; Katz et al., 2009). This subtype, which often occurs in concert with instrumental parentification, is most often found within family systems in which a parent suffers from mental illness or adult attachment issues (Aldridge, 2006). In order to deal with his or her own deficits, which likely arose in childhood, the parent expects emotional or psychological support from the child without reciprocation (Hooper, 2007b).”

ISSUE #2: Scapegoat

“Scapegoat theory refers to the tendency to blame someone else for one’s own problems, a process that often results in feelings of prejudice toward the person or group that one is blaming. Scapegoating serves as an opportunity to explain failure or misdeeds, while maintaining one’s positive self-image” (Scapegoat Theory Definition, n.d.)

I have to be honest, I’m ready to be done with this post series

However, there is a part of me, that anal retentive idiot, whom is insistent that I complete what I start.  So I will simply be brief here.  “In my own defense”, it was necessary for me to tend to my parents’ needs growing up.  My mother wasn’t from “around here”, and I instinctively felt it was essential to “Stick up for her” as the “minority”. At some level, I knew she was worried about growing up because she didn’t know how to help me.  There were times, I was aware she was ignorant to how bad it was here and that many of my teachers in school, unfairly judged here.  The lack of multicultural sensitivity is pretty standard in the small town I grew up in (especially in the 70’s and 80’s)…..

“The other reality of my upbringing in the Philippines was you didn’t date until College. By the time you are in college you have some degree of maturity and did it then. We didn’t drink in high school, we did not date, we had no car, and there were no extracurricular activities in our public schools. Our society couldn’t afford them as you can here. When you go home you walk or take the bus and your mother was there. The norm was that you maintained your virginity as a girl. I was a virgin for a long time, because I was never propositioned. The boys don’t propositioned the girls. I don’t think teenage boys that young, are knowledgeable of how to do such things. We had no money as teenagers. We didn’t work at McDonalds. Boys and girls have no money. Many families can’t afford a car. We didn’t own a car until High School. We didn’t have a television until High School. We had crushes like everyone. It was never actualized. In the Philippines you did what your elders said and accept their wisdom.”

My dad, on the other hand, is another story,  He “marched to his own drum”, and was not very “socially aware”.  It took me a while to realize that this was due more to his own cluelessness than any rebellious desire to “buck tradition”.   As an “INTP personality type”, who always had pride for his intellect and advanced education.  However, these ego-based front to the world, hid his insecurity and areas of weakness: emotion.  He hated discussing feelings, acknowledging them, and lived by the motto of isolationist stoicism.  However, this didn’t necessarily mean he had no emotions.  He just pretended they weren’t there.  Like when he came home and got annoyed if you asked him a question when he was watching t.v….Or if we were driving and some idiot cut him off.  When he gets angry or anxious he becomes this stupid 2-years-old and pouts until he gets his way.  My mother does what she can to appease him in that motherly way.  I learned from hear early, that the sooner you could get him to his preferred state of emotional detachment – the better.  This meant, I adjusted my actions throughout the day to adjust for how he felt.

“for whatever reason, my dad bucked tradition and did his “own thing”. He lives in jeans and button up plaid shirts, (always un-tucked), with the sleeves rolled up just below the elbows. He never fastens the top two buttons and stained t-shirts are always visible above his collar. Completing this ensemble is a thick leather belt with keys hanging on the side that make a klinking sound when he walks. He also loves gaudy rings. My favorite is the one of a grim reaper riding a motorcycle and large ruby eyes.”

And if this emotional parentification, wasn’t enough, there was the need to feel as if I had to feel like it was my fault.  Which it always was.  You see, it had to be.  There was no way, my parents are every going to be able to acknowledge the contextual situation within which my suicidal ideation flourished.  I needed to realize, it was my fault and I needed t apologize.  I have since forgiven, however forgetting is not really possible…

“This response of “get over it” implies a negative judgment of my feelings – as unworthy of compassion. Jumping to my sisters aid when our misunderstandings cause her hurt feelings pains me to see. Why is it I get the stoic and observational approach that expresses a desire to “stay out of it” – at those moments I needed them most??? By asking me to apologize to my sister in this email, I felt like I was asked to respect her perceptions of reality, when she was unwilling to do the same. Keep in mind underlying these hurts are missing pieces we both need to resolve in order to achieve clarity. In this respect, both perceived narratives of childhood events warrant examination. What’s so frustrating about repetitive experiences like these woven thru the familial dynamics, are the baggage they leave me with. When my emotions are treated with a stoicism and implicit assertion that “no one can truly understand anyone else’s feelings” this really stings. My other favorite is the family’s claim that “If valid means true, why should I acknowledge feelings based on misunderstanding (i.e. incorrect info)?” Given the nature of the traumas woven throughout my childhood, listening with an intent to understand and provide a compassionate ear is essential. I can only interpret refusal to do so as matters of unwillingness rather than incapability. What follows is my final response to my mother’s request for apology:”

References

Engelhardt, J. A. (2102) The Developmental Implications of Parentification: Effects on Childhood Attachment. Retrieved from : “http://www.tc.columbia.edu/publications/gsjp/gsjp-volumes-archive/gsjp-volume-14-2012/25227_Engelhardt_Parentification.pdf”
Hooper, L. M. (2007b). Expanding the discussion regarding parentification and its varied outcomes: Implications for mental health research and practice. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 19, 322-337.
Scapegoat Theory Defintion (n.d.) Retrieved from:  http://psychology.iresearchnet.com/social-psychology/social-psychology-theories/scapegoat-theory/
Point #4: “I had to provide support at the expense of my own well-being.  To this day, my father has received the fruit of my own emotional parentification by believing honestly that “I had a happy childhood”.  My mother has received the fruit of my role as the scapegoat by saying “my conscience has been resolved” 

Share This: